


An Update From The Author

by Maisie_top_trash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 08:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26969125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Comments: 13
Kudos: 22





	An Update From The Author

Good afternoon,

Long time no speak, I shall start by apologising for my absence in recent times. Whilst I know I am in no way obliged to post here, I appreciate fiction can be a crutch many of us rely on for comfort during difficult times; from personal experience, I know the value of these seemingly silly works posted on the internet by a stranger. I'm sorry I haven't been able to provide the content so many of you value, please do not take my failure to deliver as a sign I do not care about your dedication to my works, and often times myself - in reality, it is quite the opposite. The pressure to submit my vulnerable creations to an audience invested enough to provide feedback is a weight that sits heavy on my shoulders.

I write nearly every day, I love to write, I love to imagine, I love to create. Somedays I form whole universes on that previously blank screen of my Google Docs app, other times it's a few brief sentences that would otherwise never stop ringing in my brain. I pick things up, I put them down, I dust them off weeks later, I let them fall to the bottom of my most recently viewed files never to be seen again.

There's a natural ebb and flow to how I work, sometimes I'm feverishly passionate about an idea and write for days, only to lose interest overnight. Other days I live for the victory that comes from finally unearthing the true story amongst the directionless words I spew through hours and hours of editing and planning and editing again. There are plenty of documents marked NF (Not Finished) that host such potential for magnificent characters and rich worlds, but I just don't feel connected and when I don't feel connected, I don't enjoy the process. Without joy, why am I doing this? 

In the distant past, the answer to that had always been my readers - maybe I'm bored of this universe, maybe this has all got too dramatic, maybe that character is too perfect and that other one is too whiny, but I have loyal readers who deserve a conclusion and so I'm going to push forwards even though this is taking time away from the other projects that I'm actually invested in personally.

That's lead me to today. I hate almost everything I post. I'm ashamed of the quantity of abandoned fics plaguing this account but I feel despondent and overwhelmed when I force myself to sit down and plot the quickest way to wrap it all up. Every time I get an Ao3 notification for kudos/comments on an old unfinished fic I'm overcome with anxiety at the thought of them demanding to know when the rest is coming. I don't know when the rest is coming, I don't know if the rest is coming, I don't know how to tell you guys that I have panic attacks and episodes of destructive guilt when you tell me a story has affected your life but I know there isn't going to be an ending because I can't think of one worthy of your time. This matters to some of you, the ones of you who have read this far, and I'm letting you down - it crushes me.

It's not just the unfinished fics that keep me up at night. My numbers are the lowest they've ever been, I frequently receive messages about Fear Will Lose being people's favourite, which might sound nice but to me it says I haven't improved in the 4 years I've been doing this. I can't beat something I wrote when I was 15 on my phone under the desk at school. I can't grow. Accounts who once commented on every chapter I posted have now slipped away. I feel irrelevant and forgotten and freaking sad. I feel sad. This used to be fun and now it's yet another area of my life I dread.

I wish I could say that Tyler's recent comments (or lack thereof) were the straw that broke the camel's back, but that minimises the harm of his actions. His tweets were like a great big fuck off boulder smashing down onto the fragile spine of this camel. I watched in live time as he destroyed every scrap of respect I once had for him - the individual who chooses the lives of black people as a suitable topic to make a fucking joke about is not somebody I can idolise. The emotional manipulation and outright suicide-baiting at the request for him to take some accountability is the final sign that Tyler has succumbed to ego. I've forgiven missteps before - the LGBT burden note, the pride tweet excluding enbys, the lack of social distancing, the flexing private jets in a global pandemic, the intense defensive family (roping kids into pyramid schemes), the silence, but this was the point I realised I no longer recognise Tyler as the person I wrote all these stories about. He's pathetic and I'm beyond disappointed.

So where does that leave this account?

Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm currently almost 300,000 words deep into what has been my favourite story I've ever written, discussing chronic illness and mental health and family, and I am going to finish that. The main characters are called Tyler and Josh, however, beyond the fandom tag for Ao3, I will no longer be associating my works with twenty one pilots. Hopefully you can agree that I've never placed much emphasis on the band's existence within my fics, they've taken on identities of their own in my worlds, I simply use the label/names to bring people with similar interests together to explore themes which were once found in their music, so this change likely won't impact my writing itself, just what I discuss in any future author's notes. If that means you're no longer interested, that's okay. I won't be giving any suggestion of a date when that mammoth fic will be posted, there's still a real chance I'll decide to keep it to myself rather than leave it out to be picked apart, but if you're interested then you can subscribe for notifications so you don't forget.

I have several other fics that I had planned on sharing, for now they'll stay private, I think I need to take a break from all of this. Some of you may think I've been taking a lot of breaks lately because I never seem to post or reply to your comments, when in reality I've been spending hours and hours trying to patch plot holes and pull threads together to amend all my abandoned fics. I need a break from working on fics that I'm not proud of and I don't enjoy. I've been putting so much pressure on myself and it's making me hate my only passion, so all I can do is apologise and hope you'll understand that this account might be a little quieter from now on.

To those of you reaching out to enquire about my wellbeing in recent months, thank you. I am still in hospital and there's a lot of uncertainty regarding future plans, but one thing I'm sure of is that I won't be home anytime soon. I'm desperate for any improvements I can make in my life, even minuscule, so being honest and open with you today in hopes of some understanding in return is an attempt to relieve a little of the anxiety that's been choking me for so long.

Please be kind, please don't debate me on Tyler's behaviour, please remember I'm doing my best,

(I haven't proofread this and everything is still up in the air so this may be vulnerable to change in the future,)

Maisie

twitter: anathemasparks

tumblr: anathematrash

email: ao3.maisie@gmail.com


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